80% of assaults stay unreported as this article mentions. This article shows facts and figures of violence, including sexual assault), against women in general. That makes way too many of us women walking around with growing scars that no one sees.
Opening up and sharing about it, most often results in a growing feeling of shame and guilt. Feelings that a lot of women feel on default. One of the reasons is that we would love to share without being judged.
That is one of the reasons why a lot of women turn to journaling. Writing in a journal is proven to have therapeutic effects (read more about it here).
That’s why some things need to be said and that is why I’m sharing this very personal post reading about my experiences from my journal to your soul.
Watch the Video Version of it here or read the transcript below:
➳ Sensitive, explicit content. Please be mindful of your surroundings and use earplugs when kids are around.
Dear Soul
I feel this letter is long overdue.
I have been avoiding writing it. Procrastinating - in fear of being judged, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment.
Yet, some things keep coming back to the surface.
Because this is what you do when you don't want to face something - mostly. You bury it somewhere and hope it will never find its way to the surface because you don't want to suffer.
Here's the thing about pain. It is a guide of what we need to work on.
Let me explain:
Most people look at me and see a sweet, beautiful, confident, radiant, friendly, funny, sexy, independent woman. And I honestly fully agree. I am all of that - and so much more.
Without meaning to brag, but I am a big win.
I don't say that to make anyone feel smaller, but to empower every woman to own her sensual, beautiful being that she is.
Us women are meant to nurture. We are meant to love. And are we good at that, would you agree?
Have you ever experienced a woman in love? The way she radiates an entire city or the entire universe? Isn't this the most beautiful and precious gift all men should be longing for? Are men even aware of how powerful a woman's love truly is?
Deep down inside, like for most of us, my biggest wish has always been to find that mutual love. That kind of love that is so strong, so deep, so precious. That kind of love that gives hope and inspires others.
Deep down, it has always been my drive to be the best version of myself. And deep down, I always had the hope that my future partner would think the same.
And then, oh, well... I guess like for a lot of women comes the moment where we experience first fallbacks.
Seldom, are we being taught that we are precious, that we should keep our worth, that we are pure light and love.
Seldom, are we being told that whenever something painful happens that it is not our fault, that it doesn't decrease our precious value. And more seldom, are we being taught that even if we experience pain, we can take our lessons from it.
My first sexual abuse happened when I was a child, and I didn't even know what touch meant. I did not know what it meant to be touched at all. By no one.
The only touch I knew was getting hurt. How do you think it feels like when someone much older starts to caress you places that you didn't even know could be touched?
It went on with attempts still as a young child from boys locking me up in a room and lying down in bed with me. Caressing and whispering strange things in my ear. Hearing them tell their friends to lock the door and not let anyone in.
You feel paralyzed.
You feel misplaced.
And you don't know if what just happened is right or wrong.
Because the intention of caressing kind of feels good, doesn't it? Especially if you've never felt this kind of touch before.
But when it is over, you're feeling like an alien, because you just don't know what the hell happened. Because no one ever educated you.
As a child, we don't think of evil. We come to this earth as perfect human beings.
Our biggest challenge is then to keep the inner child as long as possible, if possible, keeping it for always right?
But I grew up, I kind of had to.
As a teenager, I was never even interested in getting in touch with a boy. Because alone the thought made me feel weird.
Plus, I have been having a very strict education around the topic of sex.
In short, sex is evil, dirty and shameful.
That, without even knowing what happened exactly, were the feelings that have been following me for as long as I can remember.
I guess in my subconscious I knew exactly what it was. When I then officially was an adult on paper, I thought all my friends have a boyfriend. Maybe I should do that as well.
My first attempt of getting intimate with a guy ended and sexual anal abuse.
I cannot even tell the pain I endured. The shame, the feeling of being dirty and evil.
The physical pain and blood left after a while.
The emotional pain got bigger and bigger as I grew older.
Bigger, as I got intimate with other men.
We read and hear and see things like being intimate with someone, melting with someone is the most beautiful feeling on this earth.
I disagreed so bad.
Yet, at my core, I knew that I deserve pleasure. But how can it be called pleasure when adults tell you it's evil, dirty, and shameful?
How do we feel when our body is calling for the highest pleasure of orgasms, and yet our mind a slut-shaming us?
It is no wonder that most of us women are being so unpredictable.
We get in the fight or flight mode, ready to fire back at the next best occasion. Because we are here to love and nurture and not to be hurt or slut-shamed.
Dear men, please know that every woman is here to give you her best and highest love. Value it. I promise you will feel the benefits and will not ever want to see your woman hurt because of you.
When I thought I am at an age where I got it all figured out, I met someone and thought: this is it. He is an open mind, and we will conquer the world.
He lied, cheated, and hurt me in my deepest core. It took me years to recover.
I'm not blaming him, at all. All my compassion goes out to him. Because his soul never received love as well.
Every person has a lesson in life, you are rarely being taught that as well.
My lesson for sure has been to start loving myself, start seeing my worth, start owning my voice.
It wasn't until my 30s that I started to speak out about my sexual abuses.
Please take this advice:
Everybody, male or female, has different sensations of pleasure. Accept it, and don't say or try to convince.
When we tell you we don't like something or are not ready, believe it and don't violate our sacred intimate space.
There is no need for an explanation of the endured suffering.
Today, it is my responsibility, my mission, and my purpose to educate and let everyone, men and women, know that our sexual energy is the most powerful and the most sacred energy that we have.
It should not be a taboo. And it should certainly not be something we need to be ashamed of.
We are all meant and all deserve to feel pleasure. And it should be safe to feel our sexual energy.
However, we live in a society where sex is being abused.
On one side, we have those who make it a taboo, something you don't talk about.
Is it surprising that most sexual abuses happen in exactly that environment?
On the other side, we have those who are very liberal on this topic.
Porn today is very social. Kids are being exposed to it very quickly.
Teenagers film themselves during sex and show it around. It is ripping off every aspect of intimacy.
And yet we are longing for connection and deep intimacy. But we have lost the definition.
We don't know that with help of a deep intimate sexual connection, we are capable to reach heights and places that we all want and dream about.
For this, it is crucial to start taking a look inward, start to educate ourselves, start to recognize and acknowledge that at the source of it all has always been love, sex, and intimacy.
We are all a product of that.
Would you agree that this alone is proof that this is the mightiest power of all?
It is time for being conscious about our actions and reactions. This time we have on this earth is so precious.
Don't we all want and deserve to savor it?
I wish it to every single one of you.
Own your birthright of love and pleasure.
Much love,
Anabell
